I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
