I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
