New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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