the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
