When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
