Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
