Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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