i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
