ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
