She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
