Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Yo dont text me then not text me
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
