So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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