i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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