Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize