I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
