2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The maid of honor just puked.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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