Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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