Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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