can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
