i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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