i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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