I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
