i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
