I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize