he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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