Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
