I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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