Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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