so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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