you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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