you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
