i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
