My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
