I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
