Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
