That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
