i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
