My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
