There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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