You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
from now on my penis is your penis
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
