I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize