this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize