just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
