im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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