the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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