I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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