i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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