come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
