sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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