dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
