gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
