i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
