just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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