i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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