You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
