so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize