I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
